Will you blow on my dice?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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