literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
