o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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