im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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