They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize