Your face is a jimmy john
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
