he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
