you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
