i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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