My hand turned me down
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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