Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
