RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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