I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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