maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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