Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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