remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
did you just send me my own nude
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
