i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize