you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
