Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Are my feet made of real feet?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
