It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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