What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
