Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Operation Purity has been aborted
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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