Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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