Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
