she woke up with a sticky ear
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Please don't give away my fajitas
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
