So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
