Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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