Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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