The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
