I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think my mom watched the whole time
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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