I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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