Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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