it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize