also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
