i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
