Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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