Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
