We won't sleep together?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You're like the curious george of whores
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
