No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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