I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
