fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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