no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize