Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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