I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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