I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
