do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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