My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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