I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
