there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize