I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
