ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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