do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
