there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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