I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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