when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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