Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
