Kareoke will never be a sober sport
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
