Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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