you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize