She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
