shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
