Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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