Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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