Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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