Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
