I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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